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All Staff Email
"Holiday popcorn located in the break room."
I (and everybody else) received this as an email today from a coworker. I thought it was a little unnecessary to "all staff" it, but I guess that's just how some people operate. I went to check it out since the sender sits in front of me and also gave me the personal heads up. I thought maybe it would be something homemade with peanuts and whatnot, but when I saw the big tin with the cheesy santa picture around it, I knew what it was. It was one of those lame popcorn tins that get divided into the carmel, cheese and butter flavor... like big whoop lady. You really bothered everybody with that email regarding some styrofoam popcorn that would feed the forty or so of us?
A few hours later we had a going away party for a coworker. We all stood around the cake making conversation and discussing the holiday vacation. Well the popcorn lady got to talking about her shopping she likes to do the day after Christmas. She likes to get all the deals with the wrapping paper, christmas cards, ornaments, lights, you name it (popcorn). She says she stores it in the attic for the next year. She loves a good deal and will buy the hell out of some shit on sale (she loves hitting up Century 21 three times a week on her break, coming back to work with bags and shit in her cube). Well I am no fool and I put the two and two together. She bought that popcorn shit from last year. I went to go check the expiration date on the tin and that fucking popcorn doesn't even expire. Maybe that's why the cheesy portion is kind of tasty; it's all aged n' shit.
The verdict is in
Pulling the drain stop was always a major event. The timing of allowing all the flavors to mix was like a quadratic equation. I part time as an office etiquette expert and, yes it is official, using the all employee email group for a popcorn tin is over the line.
Pulling the drain stop?
Haha. I've never heard of this method. Getting all three flavors in one fell swoop? A fistful of flavors? Your ideas intrigue me. I must have some mild anal retentive OCD type of thing preventing that thought from ever entering my noodle noggin. At dinner, I tend to concentrate on one food item at a time (main course, then each side dish). That's just how I operate.
Christmas Treats?
So this brings me back to my Coastal days. Paul, you should remember. Every year, without fail, that infamous tin of cookies from CDW would arrive. It was the same tin every year with their logo all over it, you couldn't miss it. An email would go out to the IT staff that yes, there were cookies and it's time to dig in. Nobody mentions that these cookies are nasty. If you've ever eaten cardboard covered in icing you've had these cookies. Every year, much like candy corn, you would have 1, realize what you did, and close the tin back for the next victim. But, without fail, Brandy would show up for her shift, be surprised and excited that cookies showed up and would polish them off before we arrived the next day. Much like any other food we brought in. Year old popcorn though, I may have a taste, but would regret the hell out of it later....and yes, these jokers and their entire staff emails over f***ing popcorn are ridiculous.
Quadratic Equations
Did you ever learn a song for that? We did to the tune of "Are You Sleeping?" The Holiday treats are still rolling in: somebody ordered us a bouquet of fondue fruits (seriously arranged like flowers); some dude brought in a gift basket from his birthday last week, but regifted it for x-mas; we had a cookie swap, which I didn't bake crap for; and the catering company that does our meetings just cleaned out their pantry giving me a bag of Romaine Lettuce, a lb. of ginger, 4 red peppers, multiple tomatoes, and some grapefruit. Santa's got a crazy bag. What treats are circulating around your office? And is pull the drain stop the same thing as everything, but the kitchen sinK? It's new for me.
Oh, how I loved the annual "lame popcorn tin" Christmas gift that I used to receive as a child at East Side Congregational Church. A five gallon drum of popcorn all for myself.
Do I want something salty, something sweet, or something cheesy? Yes.
I wonder if that shit was a year old. If it was, it didn't slow me down as I played my seasonal game of caramel butter cheddar roulette.